I knew as soon as my phone pinged it was my mum. "What are you going to feed your children if you don't learn to cook?" Of course I knew how to cook. I'd made plenty of dishes from recipes I'd found in magazines and cookbooks, but I could feel the judgement through her text. I could hear her voice in my head.
In truth, she wasn't being cruel. What she was trying to do was emphasise - in her own way - the importance of nourishing my kids with home cooked, fresh food but more importantly, she was encouraging me to pass on our Indian heritage and our culture through food.
I was raised in a fairly traditional Indian home. We spoke Gujarati, had Indian food almost every night, celebrated Diwali and all the other festivals and religious days that Hindus do, and we said our Indian prayers before dinner and bed. We even had a little temple at home, and my mum's voice would fill the room with beautiful devotional songs during festivals. On the other hand, we'd also have a Sunday fry up, the occasional roast chicken, my parents would drink alcohol and we'd have some cheeky sips, and we also celebrated New Year's, Christmas and Easter like my friends did.
The mental load
We talk a lot about the mental load that mums carry, but for me, there's a much greater burden, something that my mum must have experienced too. It's constant, sometimes exhausting and always my responsibility: trying to weave our Indian heritage into the fabric of my kids' Western upbringing.
As a second-generation immigrant, I find it much harder to navigate life as a modern Indian mum while raising children in the West. Before I had kids, I had never really cooked Indian food, had no idea how to use a pressure cooker, and felt completely lost in an Indian grocery store.
Since having children, I've tried to embrace my culture more and instil it in my kids - not always with much luck, mind you. I've found it challenging at times and a real battle at others. It's tough enough getting kids to eat their greens, but introducing Indian food? That's a whole different story! How do you convince them to eat lentil dahl when all they want is pizza and chips?
Living between two cultures
There are many added layers of complexity for minority women like me. Growing up, we're told to be good girls, learn to cook, study hard and marry into a good family. We're encouraged to work, have kids, raise them with respectable values, and share cultural traditions while maintaining one’s own sense of self while living between two cultures.
The truth is, I'm pretty much on my own on this journey. My mum doesn't live near us, but I do lean on my mother-in-law; just having her nearby is a massive comfort. My husband provides support, but without active participation, I don't think he sees the significance of sharing our heritage with our children as much as I do. Perhaps it's a boy/man thing as my son doesn't seem very interested either - but hopefully this will change with time. I sometimes think, 'If I don't do it, who will?' And if I don't do anything, what will my children pass on to their kids? If I don't guide them now, how will they keep that cultural connection alive and carry their Indian identity? Add that to your mental load and see how it feels!
Taking small steps
To stop catastrophising (which I often do), I've taken some small steps to navigate this situation better. I've joined some local cultural groups on Facebook so I can keep up with local events. I've made a promise to myself that we'll celebrate Indian festivals including Diwali. I don't think they'll ever agree to go to Gujarati language classes or be completely billingual, but perhaps I can try and speak more at home. At the end of the day, I can only do my best and this is something I am learning to come to terms with.
On the bright side, I have become a confident cook. I've mastered the art of a great homemade chicken curry, thanks to my mum and after years of attempting to make roti, I've 'almost' nailed it. I'm immensely proud that my children eat homemade Indian food almost every day of the week and this makes going out for pizza and chips an even bigger treat.
If this resonates with anyone else and you're feeling the mental burden as much as I am, know this: It's a journey. One curry at a time, one religious story at a time, one festival at a time, all in hopes of imparting even the slightest bit of cultural wisdom and heritage to your children. Remember, the journey is as important as the destination.
About the author
Keya Modessa, is our Senior Digital Writer and brings over a decade of experience from the digital realm to Mother&Baby. As a mother of two, Keya understands the joys and challenges of modern parenthood and uses her own experience, to give practical advice. Keya has worked across national publications including glossy women's mags, Food and Travel, and more recently as digital lead for Muddy Stilettos.