How to help your toddler manage their emotions, according to child experts

Toddlers: small in size, big in self-expression. If you’ve ever tried to persuade yours into their buggy when they want to walk, you’ll know that when it comes to saying how they feel, toddlers don’t hold back! You try to coax them into sitting down, but the wails begin. It’s not just about the buggy; it’s about independence and curiosity.

Very often, tantrums are a toddler’s desperate attempts to communicate. They struggle to express their feelings, so they end up feeling frustrated and acting out, which can be tough for parents to handle.

“These big feelings are totally normal,” says child psychologist Dr. Margot Sunderland. "The parts of the brain that help us to think and understand how we feel aren’t developed in children. So, while we adults can moderate our feelings by thinking them through, your toddler can’t. He just reacts!”

Meltdowns? Normal. Bouncing up and down like a delighted ping-pong ball when he gets a present? Normal. Erupting into a weeping tornado when he can’t have an ice cream? Normal. And while your toddler will eventually learn how to handle all these big feelings, there’s a lot you can do to help him on this journey, and support him to deal with his emotions in a healthy way. “We all need emotions,” says Margot. “They’re a vital tool for helping us navigate through life. And right now, when your child is a toddler, is the perfect time to start helping him to understand and accept his feelings.”

Helping toddlers manage their emotions is key to their happiness, emotional intelligence and overall well-being. Research shows that when children learn to handle their feelings well, they do better in school, behave better in class, and grow up to be happier adults. Thanks to movies like Inside Out 2, children’s mental health is highlighted more than ever.

Here, we spoke to two leading child mental health experts to discuss practical ways parents can guide their children through different feelings, as well as suggest educational toys that can make learning about emotions fun.

The 6 big toddler emotions to talk about with little kids

Anger

When your toddler gets angry, it's often due to frustration, such as when something doesn't go their way, like a sibling taking their toy or interrupting their play.

"The intense emotion floods their system with stress hormones, making them feel overwhelmed and scared," explains Margot. Instead of trying to suppress their anger, Margot advises, "Acknowledge his anger.”

However, it's crucial to wait until your fuming toddler is completely calmed down. As Rachel Coler Mulholland, a counsellor, children's mental health expert, and author of The Birds, the Bees, and the Elephant in the Room, emphasises, "Wait until the child is all the way calmed down before you try to process what happened. This is going to take lots of practice before they can do it routinely on their own."

Once they have released their emotions, you can teach them to recognise and understand the emotion. For instance, you might say, "I know you're upset because you wanted to finish your puzzle. You're feeling frustrated."

Margot suggests that this approach "teaches them that it's okay to feel angry and shows them how to express it in a calmer manner." It also fosters a sense of understanding and reduces the fear associated with their emotions.

"If their anger leads to aggressive behaviour like hitting," Margot says, "It's okay to stop the behaviour while still acknowledging their feelings." You can say, "It's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to hit. Let's find a different way to show how you feel."

Margot also recommends simply sitting with your toddler during their anger, as this "can help them feel more in control and less scared, making it easier for them to calm down."

Research shows that helping children articulate their feelings at a young age has long-term benefits for their brain development and helps them manage stress well later in life.

Handling these situations calmly and empathetically not only soothes your child in the moment but also lays the foundation for their emotional well-being in the future.

Fear

A dog that sniffs his ankles, a balloon popping, a door slamming downstairs… “There are all sorts of unexpected events that may scare your toddler,” says Margot. And that’s because at this age, he’s only just starting to explore the world. He may find anything he can’t control or predict scary because he hasn’t yet learned what’s dangerous, and what’s not. Just think about it: if you hadn’t yet learnt that tigers bite and cats don’t, you’d probably be just as scared of a cat as you are of a tiger.

“How anxious your child gets when something unexpected happens will depend on his personality,” says Margot. “But the best way to calm a frightened toddler is to reassure him by showing him that you think that the situation is okay.” And it’s key that you don’t tell him not to be scared, but simply tell him that you feel fine about it all, using a soothing tone.

Research has shown that when a parent’s voice is gentle and melodic, it triggers the release of the feel-good hormone, oxytocin, in your child’s system.

“Soft, soothing touch, such as a massaging rub of the back, will also reduce his fear,” adds Margot.

If you can, do whatever you can to help him take control of the situation, too. “So if he’s scared of a tiny spider, give it a name,” suggests Margot, “and make up a story about it: 'This is Billy. He’s come to visit because he’s lost. He wants to know if he can live here because he loves our snuggly curtains.' You’re giving the spider a personality, which makes him feel friendly, rather than scary."

Try this: If your youngster has to do something new, like going to the doctor for the first time, he’ll feel less nervous if you talk him through what will happen. Use toy figures to act out what you would do at the doctor’s surgery – going to reception, sitting in the waiting room, talking to the doctor,’ says Margot. When you help your toddler understand a situation in advance, it helps him to feel more in control, and that will reduce any anxiety he might feel.

Happiness

Now that you’ve decided to help your toddler with these big emotions, don’t forget to connect with the fun ones, too! “Happiness is often there in the simplest moments of you and your toddler being together,” says Margot. “Just enjoy whatever you’re doing, whether that’s colouring together or walking along, hand-in-hand, swinging your arms and singing.” Easy, right? Well, truth be told, these relaxed moments when your youngster is calm and content can seem like the perfect time to put a wash on or check your phone. Forget the housework!” says Margot.

It’s as important to be with your child in joy as it is to be with him when he’s expressing other emotions. Because, when you are, you teach him that it’s great to feel happy!

Want to create a moment of happiness to enjoy together right now? Sit opposite your toddler and mirror his movements exactly. Give yourself a tail by tucking a sock into the back of your jeans and get your toddler to chase you and try to pull it off. Get your toddler to stand on your feet as you hold his hands and walk around. Grab the bubble mixture and challenge your toddler to pop them with different parts of his body – first hands, then feet, elbows and bottom! And enjoy being happy together!

Excitement

"While happiness offers a lovely sense of well-being, excitement is a trickier feeling for youngsters to handle,” says Margot. “When toddlers are excited, they feel a little out-of-control, and a bit vulnerable. It’s a feeling that can tip over into being jittery and insecure – just how you might feel when you’re waiting to hear if you’ve got a job you really want.” That nervous tension might bubble up when your youngster has an invitation to a party or if Nana’s coming over for tea.

To help, join him in his excitement: “If your toddler can share his excitement with you, then it keeps this emotion feeling pleasurable, rather than tense,” says Margot. “If you’re excited too, he knows it’s safe to be excited. So tell him that you’re looking forward to the exciting event, too. Say, explicitly, and make sure your tone of voice matches the words, ‘I’m really excited about the party!’”

It also helps if you can find ways to link his excitement to the activities that your toddler is doing in the present moment. “By channelling his excitement into activities, perhaps that the two of you can do together, your toddler can enjoy the sense of anticipation, without becoming overwhelmed,” says Margot. If he can’t wait for the party, blow up a balloon ready to take with him. If Nana and Grandad are visiting, suggest he draws them an amazing picture.

Try this: If he’s getting over-excited, sensory play will calm him. Try floating a boat in a tub of warm water. He’ll find the physical sensations of the warmth of the water, the feel of the liquid, and pushing the wooden boat, soothing.

Sadness

It’s hard for us mums to think of our little ones feeling sad, but it’s a fact that sometimes they do.

“The most common cause of sadness in toddlers is separation anxiety,” says Margot. “This is a very real and painful emotion for children because it’s a genuine feeling of loss. And if your youngster is starting a new routine that means being away from you, maybe at nursery or with a childminder, the one thing that you can do to make it easier is to make time for him as he settles in.”

He’ll want to spend more time with you while he works through these emotions, so keep your diary as clear as possible for a few days.

Jealousy

Toddlers can experience high-level, gnawing pangs of jealousy, and it’s usually in connection with one thing: you. “If a toddler feels that he’s missing out on time with his parents, or his sibling is getting more of that time, he can become jealous,” says Margot.

And that leaves a feeling of emptiness. So, while it’s not easy for you to see your toddler acting out this emotion, remember that this behaviour is prompted by a feeling of emptiness. And the best way to help your little one is to fill that hole.

“Create special, ring-fenced time with him every day,” says Margot, “when you are fully focused on him. Talk, play games, hug and let him take the lead.”

Some youngsters will withdraw when they feel jealous. “Don’t dismiss this as your child sulking,” says Margot. “Find a way to let him lead your interaction. If he’s under the table, put a cuddly toy near him and say, “Will you let me know if you are okay under the table or if you want a hug? I’ll come back in a minute. If you put the cuddly bear on the chair, I’ll know you want a hug.”’

When a toddler feels jealous, he’s doubting himself. To boost his self-esteem, tell him why you noticed when he did something that you think is great.

Describe it in detail: ‘I saw how kind you were to your friend. She fell over and was upset and you went straight over to look after her. I know you were enjoying playing with the sand, but you stopped to be kind to your friend. That was a really lovely thing to do.’

Rachel suggests simple ways to help your toddler learn to calm down. These techniques can help them stay calm both physically and emotionally. Try doing this when they're not upset so they know what to do when they start feeling the emotions.

“Teach your child to take slow, deep breaths to help calm their nerves. Encourage activities like jumping, big arm movements, or dancing to release energy and reduce stress. Use calming techniques that fit your child's cultural background,” she says.

By practising these skills during calm times, your child will be better equipped to handle their emotions when they get upset.

How can parents effectively communicate about emotions to their toddlers?

Verbalise emotions

Rachel says, “Even if a toddler can't verbalise their emotions, they should hear them being verbalised by their carers. This can be especially effective if the carer assigns the emotion to themselves, too. For example, "Oh goodness, the balloon flew away! That makes me feel heavy and sad.”

Identify physical sensations

It's valuable to help the child identify not only the name of the emotion but also the way their body feels while experiencing it. For instance, anxiety can feel tingly or jumpy, while joy feels warm and floaty.

Develop an emotional scale

After big emotions pass, Rachel says, “it's important to help kids develop a sense of scale for their emotions. Professionals often refer to these as ‘catastrophe scales,’ which can help children identify what is a little problem (like their milk spilled) versus a catastrophe (like someone slipping in the milk and getting hurt).”

Use emotional toys

Incorporating emotional toys, like sensory bottles or expressive playing cards, can be a practical tool. These toys help children understand and express their emotions in a tangible way, reinforcing verbal lessons and providing a hands-on approach to emotional learning.

7 toddler toys and games that promote emotional learning

About the experts

Dr Margot Sunderland is a senior associate of the Royal College of Medicine and child psychotherapist with over thirty years' experience of working with children and families. Author of over twenty books in child mental health, which collectively have been translated into eighteen languages and published in twenty-five countries.

Rachel Coler Mulhollandis a nationally certified counsellor and child mental health expert. She has provided mental health skills training for children with severe emotional disturbance at a school-based day-treatment program. She focuses much of her professional energy on resilience development, trauma-informed therapeutic interventions, assertive communication, interpersonal skills, and self-efficacy.

About the author

Anne Lora Scagliusi is a Senior Digital Writer at Mother & Baby. She is a Scotland-based journalist with over a decade of international writing experience, specialising in women’s health, maternal mental health, and wellness. Her work has been featured in Vanity Fair, Marie Claire, and Glamour and has appeared on several Vogue global editions. She is mum to a one-year-old bambino and lives between Italy and the UK. You can follow her on Instagram.