83,630 children are currently in the care system in England, according to children’s charity Home For Good, and it’s estimated that a further 39,000 children will enter the care system in the UK this year. That’s 107 children per day who need a safe and loving home.
Reading these shocking figures, it’s easy to see why so many people who are planning families, particularly those who may not be able to conceive naturally, look to fostering as an option.
That was the case for gay couple Brandon and Adam, who, like most newly married couples, began talking about children very early on in their marriage. Although it was very clear that having a family was something important to them both, exactly how they got there as a same-sex couple was a less simple decision. That’s when the idea of fostering became something they wanted to pursue.
“As a same-sex couple, you reach a point where you ask yourself, ‘What’s next?’” says Brandon. “We were married, we had a home, and the next step was starting a family.”
“I did a lot of research,” adds Adam. “We explored other avenues, but we kept coming back to fostering. What we saw in being able to foster was that we could help multiple different children.”
While data on LGBT+ foster carers is limited, statistics from Compass Fostering estimate that if only 1% of the LGBT+ community decided to foster, there would be no more children or young people waiting for a home. It’s a striking figure, especially considering that many LGBT+ couples still worry they won’t be accepted as foster parents.
If only 1% of the LGBT+ community decided to foster, there would be no more children or young people waiting for a home.
“Being a young same sex couple, it really put us off when we first started the journey,” Brandon and Adam admit. “Especially when all the pictures we saw online were generally of older, heterosexual couples. We did question, are we going to be accepted?”
Angela Turland, registered manager at Fosterplus, acknowledges that this uncertainty is common, but stresses foster carers come from all walks of life. “We've got same sex male and female couples, and also some single parent carers too, some of whom can’t have children of their own but still want to be a parent.”
“What we're looking for at Fosterplus is people with love, time, energy, a sense of fun and commitment to wanting to have an enjoyable family life; a sexual identity doesn't lead that process. Children will always appreciate love, kindness, fun and feeling safe. And those qualities can come from any person, irrespective of their sexual identity or gender.”
After making the decision that fostering was for them, Brandon and Adam spent years preparing for this big life change. One of the main life changes was moving from their two-bed home to a bigger house, better suited to a larger family. “I grew up with four brothers, and everywhere I read said that people are unlikely to be able to take siblings, or haven't got the space to take siblings," says Brandon.
“You're already coming away from your birth family with all these changes happening, and to be taken away from your best mate just didn’t sit right with us."
Today, Brandon and Adam foster two young brothers, aged five and six, and keeping them together has made all the difference. “I think if we'd split the boys up, I don't know how they would have coped, because they just bounce off each other.” Adam reflects. “When they first came together, the older one was kind of the mother to the younger one. And now, they bicker like normal brothers, which means they’re able to be like children again instead of having to worry all the time.”
Once they decided fostering was the route for them, they applied to Fosterplus online, which was followed by a phone call assessment and then a visit from a social worker. “They were very up front at the start that it wasn’t going to be easy” says Adam. “She told us: ‘You’ve got a beautiful home now, but expect drawings on the walls, and yes, you’ll be dealing with wee and poo!’ It was a real reality check. And then, right at the end, she said, ‘Okay, I’ll see you next week,’ and we were both a bit shell-shocked.”
In the months leading up to being matched with their foster children, Brandon and Adam felt fully supported. Their social worker was always on hand to answer questions, ease concerns, and help them feel prepared for the road ahead.
“I'm so glad they give you that reality check at the start, because it works as a kind of check. Are you right for this? And I think that's what I'd say to people who are considering it, there's no harm in getting someone around to have a conversation and highlight some of your concerns with someone who can say, yes, these things do happen, but actually they don't happen very frequently. And that's what the great thing is, you can change those behaviours, and you can make those behaviours positive and really create a great person out of this process,” says Adam.
From there, the formal application process began along with their training. This stage included reference checks, medical assessments, DBS checks, and completing a series of online modules covering topics like health and safety, safeguarding, and first aid. All of this was required before they could be considered by the fostering panel. The entire process took around nine months to complete, but looking back, both Adam and Brandon agree that every step was essential in preparing them for the reality of fostering.
“You have to have a full medical to make sure you're healthy and I think it's key, because ultimately, you're moving kids out of a home that isn't safe for them so I applaud them for going that in depth, because it's key that they go to a home where you know the foster parents are fit and well to make sure they can get up in the morning and run around with the kids," explains Adam.
The next and final step on the journey to fostering was a panel, where Adam and Brandon had to be accepted by a panel of 14 experts, ranging from representatives from the NHS, education experts, the police, their social worker, another social worker, a current foster carer, alongside other experienced experts.
Three weeks later, Adam and Brandon were offered their first potential foster placements. One important lesson they took from their training was that it’s okay to say no, something that can feel incredibly difficult in practice. They admit it took a few tries to find children who were the right fit for their lives.
“It’s really sad,” Adam comments, “because you have to say no sometimes. For us, being new foster carers, some referrals were just not right, and Fosterplus stepped in and said, ‘This referral is not right for the boys. I don't think they'd be able to give the child what they need.’”
It wasn’t until their sixth referral that they were introduced to the two young brothers they now care for, and for Brandon and Adam, it immediately felt right.
“I was working away in Portugal, and Brandon called me and said, 'We’ve got a referral. And I think this is the right one.'”
Although Adam was a bit hesitant initially, after learning more about the boys, particularly their love for the outdoors, playing football and being in the garden, they decided they were a great fit.
“Some people almost feel like they won't get sent more referrals if they turn down a placement that they've been sent. However, I think that is the most crucial part, because you need to make sure that that child is the right fit for your family as well," explains Adam.
Brandon adds, “For example, we couldn't take anyone afraid of dogs, because we've got dogs. We also had to consider work commitments, because there are some children that you won't be able to foster if both of you work full time because of their needs or disabilities.”
“And even if that child isn’t the right fit for your life, it may be that the next referral is perfect for that child, and that's okay,” Adam continues.
Brandon fondly recalls the first time they met the boys. “I remember walking into their previous foster carer’s home, and they were both sitting in their school uniform in the front room playing with their toys. And they both turned around to look at us. I think that is a moment that I’ll remember forever. That filled me with warmth.”
Soon after this, the four of them went out for dinner with the boys' social worker, which was later followed by a sleepover at Brandon and Adam's house where they made pizzas together. It wasn’t long until they went back to stay for four days, and it was on the third day when the foster social worker said they could stay with Brandon and Adam.
“The boys made the decision,” Adam said. “They said, ‘We want to stay here. We don't want to go back. We want to stay here.’ So they end up staying with us, and they've not left since,” he continued.
“We didn’t sleep for the first week we had them”, laughs Adam.
“Every hour I was checking in on them just to make sure they were alright!” admits Brandon.
Since welcoming the two brothers, then aged four and five, into their care, Brandon and Adam have watched them truly come out of their shells. They've had the joy of helping the boys build confidence, learn essential life skills, and reach important milestones, experiencing many of those precious "firsts" that parents and children so often take for granted.
“We took the boys swimming, and they had never been in a swimming pool before ever,” explains Adam. “Growing up, I'd always thank my mum for teaching me how to swim. I also went to swimming lessons so for me, the most emotional moment was seeing them swimming without armbands for the first time. I don't cry very much, but that was the one time I felt a tear in my eye, just seeing that development from being scared to even put a toe in the water to now swimming without arm bands and splashing each other with water. The difference a year makes. When you reflect on it, you think wow, it’s been an incredible journey.”
As well as swimming, Brandon and Adam have taught the boys how to ride a bike, taken them to football lessons and Beavers, as well as smaller achievements like encouraging them to try different foods.
“The eldest brother wouldn't eat anything but frozen chips when he came to us, because that's what he was used to. We were very stubborn in the fact that we're going to encourage him to eat different varieties of food, and now he eats everything,” comments Adam.
“The little milestones that we would take for granted, like going to the beach for the first time, or getting presents at Christmas are such big milestones for certain foster children," explains Brandon.
Recalling their first Christmas together as a family of four, Adam remembers all the firsts the boys experienced. “They had never had a Christmas tree or decorated one or ever visited Santa. You know, all those kinds of things you enjoyed as a kid. So we took them to pick a Christmas tree, got it cut down, decorated it as a family, and it's just all those things that has made Christmas completely different for us and them.”
Shortly after they began fostering the brothers, the eldest brother celebrated his birthday. Adam recalls: “The younger brother came in and saw the presents, and the eldest turned to him and said, ‘Don't worry, you can open my presents.’ I thought, Oh, God, what kid normally does that? I know it's nice and sweet, but at the same time, it's quite sad that he was making sure that his younger brother had presents.”
Learning more about the children in care and what they have been through and experienced at such a young age has come as a shock to the boys. “It's so vast and so shocking, you wouldn't even imagine it,” comments Adam.
“They are vulnerable little people who are desperate for love, family and a normal life, or as normal as it can be,” Brandon adds.
According to latest figures from The Department of Education, there’s been a 23% increase in the number of children in care since 2014.
In Angela’s experience, this rise in the number of kids needing foster care has a direct correlation with cost of living and how much people can afford to give from their lives. Similar to how birth rates are falling, partly due to rising costs of raising a child, there are fewer homes who are able to take on the added pressures of a foster child.
“Some people are facing twice as much to pay for water. Their council tax has gone up. Their electric and gas bills have gone up hugely. There are lots of jobs being cut from the NHS, for instance, at the moment, and even if you're a family with a spare bedroom, lots of love and lots of skills, you’re probably still struggling to survive, to pay your bills and cover basics like food and petrol, so you may perceive fostering as just another added pressure. I definitely think there is a cost-of-living link to people not being able to foster.”
While financial barriers can be a challenge for many couples considering fostering, same-sex couples often face an additional hurdle: the misconception that they won’t be allowed to foster or won’t be welcomed within the fostering community. But Angela disagrees and says there’s a real need for more same-sex couples, especially in certain cases of abuse.
“For example, if you’re a little girl who’s been badly sexually abused by your dad or another male relative, being placed with two women can feel much safer,” she explains. “I’ve had female foster children tell me they feel more secure in a female-only household.”
She continues: “On the flip side, there are little boys who’ve been seriously hurt by their mothers or whose mothers allowed others to hurt them. In some cases, they may do better in the care of a same-sex male couple. We’ve also seen boys who have never known a man who wasn’t either aggressive or in prison. Placing them with a gentle, calm, and supportive male couple can make all the difference. How can they grow into good men unless they’re shown what that looks like? And that’s exactly what we’ve seen with Brandon and Adam.”
Adam and Brandon admit they’ve been fortunate. They haven’t experienced any homophobic comments since fostering the boys, thanks to a strong and supportive network of friends and family. This has been a relief, especially given their initial concerns about navigating life as a two-dad household.
“We were quite concerned about Father’s Day last year and how the boys would handle it, and how we would too,” Adam recalls. “The youngest came home from school and said, ‘I’ve had a horrible day today.’ I asked, ‘Oh no, what happened?’ He replied, ‘I had to write three cards for Father’s Day. I have my real dad, and I have you two. Everyone else only had to write one.’”
Adam smiles, adding, “He’ll happily tell anyone he has three daddies and he’s proud of it.”
Although Adam and Brandon say fostering has been one of the most rewarding experiences of their lives, they acknowledge it comes with real challenges, particularly around the boys’ behaviour, which has included everything from humming and not eating properly to soiling.
“Especially with smearing,” Brandon explains, “it can be linked to how they see themselves, as if they’re not worthy. So they might think, ‘I’m going to cover myself in poo.’ We just have to accept that we can’t truly understand what they’ve been through. It’s about approaching those behaviours with empathy and curiosity. Sometimes a child might react to something in a way that seems extreme, but really, it’s their mind taking them back to a time or place where that reaction was necessary for survival.”
While the small wins and signs of progress make fostering deeply rewarding for Adam and Brandon, it’s the bigger milestones that feel especially meaningful, particularly with the eldest brother.
“He came home from school,” said Adam, “and I asked, ‘Who did you play with today?’ He would always say he played with the hula hoop and the teachers felt sorry for him as he was being picked on, so they let him stay inside at lunch to do colouring. Eventually, he spent every lunchtime indoors, alone, colouring. I thought, this isn’t good for him.”
Adam went to speak with the school. “I said, ‘Look, he’s in a much better place now, could we try to encourage him to spend more time outside, with the other kids?’”
That conversation led to a major breakthrough. “The other day, we had a huge milestone, he got invited to a birthday party by one of his classmates,” Adam said, smiling. “I thought, ‘Yes!’ The younger one gets loads of invites and goes to parties all the time, but the older one, this was a first. When he came in and said, ‘Look, I’ve got an invitation!’ it was a really big step for him.”
Adam and Brandon hope that by sharing their fostering journey, they can help challenge the stereotypes and misconceptions that still surround fostering, especially for same-sex couples, young couples, and single carers.
“We were watching TV the other day,” Adam recalls, “and there was a woman who had fostered over 1,000 children. She was amazing, but she was also the stereotypical image of an older foster carer. They do a fantastic job, no doubt, but the fostering community really needs more diversity and more people from different backgrounds and walks of life including younger parents because the truth is, we have two young boys that have got so much energy it's unreal, and we're still young enough to keep up with them!”
“The LGBT+ community could make a big difference here by changing so many foster children’s lives.” Adam continues.
Brandon says, “It has its challenges, but it's the most rewarding thing I think I've ever done.”
Angela answers fostering FAQs
How much do foster parents get paid?
The financial support you receive as a foster carer varies depending on your experience and the age of the child you’re fostering. At Fosterplus, this is split into grades.
• Grade 1: Those new to fostering, only just approved by a panel.
• Grade 2: Those who have been fostering over 12 months and completed their training.
• Grade 3: Those who have been fostering for three years.
Children aged 0–4 years
• Grade 1: From £369 per week
• Grade 2: From £379 per week
• Grade 3: From £389 per week
Children aged 5–10 years
• Grade 1: From £425 per week
• Grade 2: From £434 per week
• Grade 3: From £445 per week
Children aged 11–17 years
• Grade 1: From £456 per week
• Grade 2: From £466 per week
• Grade 3: From £476 per week
What support is there for foster parents?
As a foster parent, you're never in it alone. There’s a strong support system in place to help you and your foster child thrive.
You’ll have access to regular psychotherapy support for your foster child, short breaks, educational specialists, and a dedicated, trained social worker who meets with you every four weeks to check in on how you're doing and how things are going at home.
Many foster children have experienced trauma, which can leave deep-rooted emotional scars. That’s why a child psychotherapist is available to provide expert guidance and support during challenging times, ensuring your foster child has someone to turn to when things get tough.
Emotional struggles can also affect a child’s learning, so there is specialist educational support to help them stay on track academically, no matter what they’ve been through. This ensures that their education doesn’t fall behind because of a difficult start in life.
To give foster carers time to rest and recharge, you’re entitled to up to two weeks of paid leave each year. This time can be used for anything from attending a funeral or an adults-only event like a wedding, to simply taking a break if you’re unwell or in need of rest. During this period, children can stay with a respite foster family or trusted relatives of the foster parent who are all fully DBS-checked to ensure their continued safety and well-being.
You’ll also be guided through a range of foster parent training including:
• Child Development
• Safeguarding
• Attachment
• Disability Awareness
• Emotional Needs of Children
• Self Esteem in Young People
• Understanding Neurodiversity
• Cultural Awareness
• Mental Health
• Trauma Awareness
• Mindfulness
• Reflective Practice
What children are most in need of care?
According to Angela, it’s the children over six years old who are often struggling to match with a family.
“People are perhaps worried that the child is too entrenched in their own emotional ties to their mum and dad. I think it's a fear that the child won't be able to adapt and join their family and regard them as a mum and dad, whereas with babies and toddlers, adopters may think: Well, they can grow with us and form a new identity.”
This is often why older siblings get split up from their younger siblings.
Find out more about becoming a foster parent with Fosterplus.
Lorna White is the Products Editor for Mother&Baby. After running the Yours magazine website, specialising in content about caring for kids and grandchildren, Lorna brought her expertise to Mother&Baby in 2020. She has a keen interest in a range of topics from potty training and nutrition to baby names and early development and has a wide range of experienced medical experts and professionals at her fingertips. In her spare time, she enjoys spending time with her two young sisters, dog walking and enjoying the outdoors with her family.